Sailor Jacks

so one thing I’ll just never understand about men and online dating…why lie? if you actually intend to meet us, why even bother? Do you really think we’re as dumb as dirt and don’t know the difference between 5’8 and 6’2? Listen, I’m not the brightest crayon in the box but I’ll tell ya, being 5’7 all I do is throw up my arms and I got about a 6’2. So with that being said, we’re not as dumb as you think we are.

Another thing…use updated photos? Again, if you’re going to meet us, make sure we’re blind if you wanna use five year old photos. Online dating is absolutely based on level of physical attraction at first, like hello? I’m almost positive Helen Keller ain’t chillen on bumble waiting for her dream guy to lie his ass off to her.

So, we’re in ‘quarantine’ right now right? So it’s super difficult to come up with date ideas that don’t include just going to a strangers house, because men still think that’s an acceptable idea these days for the first time meeting someone. Okay so turns out some nearby town is kind of back to normal, so this dude suggests going to this seafood restaurant. I dislike seafood but I’m gonna be flexible with the circumstances here. So we decide to meet at 2pm for a lunch, it’s this little ocean side restaurant.

I got there first, so just waited outside. Naturally, he’s about 15 minutes late. I didn’t know what the reservation was under so I couldn’t just go sit at the table. I wore a summer dress and heals…low and behold here he comes walking up…smoking 🤢…which was a shock since it’s listed as non smoker on his page. So this is fantastic, great hug of cigarette smell. Mmm puts me in the mood ya know? He’s also wearing white shorts, like a cargo type short? And a baby blue collared shirt…ok…but…then had like dirty ass new balance sneakers on? Like it just didn’t make sense. Just threw in the towel when it came to foot ware.

and hello to the height I mentioned. IM TALLER THAN HIM. I wore fucking heels because your dumbass said you were SIX FOOT TWO. I just wouldn’t have worn heels if you were honest. Like what is it with you men? are you so determined to get ‘swipes’ or ‘likes’ that you lie about something as dumb as your height? Then what do you do when you meet a girl? Whatevs. Moving on. So I know barber shops aren’t really open and everyone’s struggling with hair and what not but I mean don’t men know how to shave their own faces?? He showed up in his full quarantine MESS. Like I could have hid my cat in his beard. Just put some effort into first impressions? I guess I’m the only one that thinks that these days.

We sit down, the place is nice so it sucks I have a GOD DAMN LIAR in front of me. So we do some small chit chat, oh are you from around here blah blah blah. Oh but THEN we spent about 18 minutes talking about his dead mother. Which, did not just happen recently by the way. So like why are we talking about this when we literally just met 15 minutes ago? I couldn’t find a way to get out of this conversation. I wanted to just be like oh my moms still alive so that sucks. Finally the server came back and broke up the conversation. Now hear me out, I’m all about talking about why your previous relationship didn’t work and all that shit. But, this mans talked about his ex for almost double the time we talked about his dead mother. Bro if you still in love with her, trust me ILL LET YA GO. Meanwhile I’m looking at the rice that has fallen in his beard and can’t find its way to the floor.

We switched the conversation to talking about me for oooooh maybe 6 minutes. Like yeah I’m a chef I get it, oooo so cooooool. But why do you all think we want to talk about ‘wHaT yOuR fAvOrItE dIsH tO cOoK iS’

YO SLUT WE COOK IT ALL we literally don’t want to be asked that question.

Ya know then he’s funny and thinks that I would cook for him!?!?!? y’all men out here getting BOLD during this isolation. I guess this date wasn’t as amazingly entertaining as some of my past ones, but what a huge disappointment, wasted a pretty dress and nice cheetah heels. Psh. I patted him on his head and went my separate way.