The Counterfit

this might be one of my favorites…and longest so my apologies. But not really sorry.

OK so I think it was a Monday, I know exciting!!! But again usually when my dates are. (Mid week) I had a drink tonight..so super wasted obvi. Well see how this one goes.

I use this date to describe to people when they ask what my ‘worst date’ was.  So this date, took place in DC, one of the places I used to live. So I was only talking to this guy for I think maybe, two days? He brings up that he has tickets to the Nationals VS Yankees game for the next day.  So I said sure OK, why not?  OK so I ask what the tickets cost because you know, I obviously wanna pay for my ticket. I’m not that type of person that just expects you to pay for me/do everything for me. So he says don’t worry about the ticket I already bought them, just pick up the check for happy hour before hand and we will call it even. OK no problem.

So we go to this place in DC. We go to the bar, he knows the bartender…OK great. So we order some apps and we get a drink.

he starts talking about God.

No I am not at all religious so I kind of interrupt him and I just say ‘just so you know I don’t really have anything to offer to this conversation I don’t really believe in anything, let’s move on to something else yeah’ he says got it. OK so it’s really not that bad so far he’s just very very very talkative any kind of interrupts A LOT. like he would ask me a question I would start to answer and then he would interrupt me .fantastic.

So we catch an Uber to the stadium. Mr. Counterfeit focused on talking to the Uber  driver for our 20 minute drive over, so I did what sad music videos do and just looked outside the window all depressed like.

Okay so here is where the date started to get just AMAZING. We get the stadium and go to a gate to scan in. Oh, the game is already in the second inning…okay so we scan the tickets in…we get rejected. The lady then tries our tickets for us…rejected. She said to go to guest services and they can probably fix them. Oh BTW they are printed out tickets, which I mean yeah you can use them if they’re real right? So we get to guest services and he hands the tickets to the counter. The guy right away tells us they are FAKE TICKETS. My amazing Prince Charming of a date begins to make a scene. That there’s no way…they have to be real, he’s bought them on the same site he always has.

Craigslist. 

Yeah because how could something off of craigslist not be fake? I myself was just astonished, I mean just HOW could you have fake tickets!? Everything is real on Craigslist. He starts asking the guy at the counter, what he can do for us. The guy simply says, nothing. LOL all he can do is sell us two new tickets. And well, the Yankees rarely come to nationals so tickets were 130$ a piece. And that was basically high rise stands allll the way back. Mr. Counterfeit already paid 100$ for two tickets. LOL WAIT 100$ FOR TWO TICKETS FOR A RARE ASS GAME. And you thought that seemed legit? Ah ok. So moving on. I tried to calm him down, suggested we salvage the date and just see a movie. Okay so he agrees…

We leave the office, and I assume…we’re going to get an Uber and go to the theatre close by. Oh my goooooosh was I wrong.

This guy…decides…he wants to now sell off his counterfeit tickets to someone outside the stadium looking for tickets. I should have bailed by this point yeah?

A) I had literally zero idea where my car was.

B) at this point, fuck yeah let’s ride this train wreck, guy who I already forgot the real name of.

So we find a guy. They start haggling over FAKE tickets. They end at 30$ …so far on this date Ive spent more money with happy hour. Ok ok let’s NOW go please. Nah sike not done gurl. He wants to walk around the entire stadium, to see if anyone else is selling tickets. HAHAHAHA oh it’s like 109 degrees by the way, some day in July. I’m Italian. I’m disgusting AF. So we walk all the way around, and come back to the guy he JUST sold the tickets to!! This guy is now trying to re-sell them. Face palm. So idk if he knew they were fake or he’s a hustler also…but yo time for us to go.

Okay, catch an Uber back to another bar…to waste time before the movie. On the ride over, he brings up God again. Maybe God told him to just ignore what women say to him or something because I had to once again tell him to shut up or I’ll summon my boy Satan.  I don’t drink often, and I also told him this at the first bar. He probably interrupted me or something so he didn’t pay attention. So we go sit AT the bar again. Just thrilling. Thanks for listening. Alright so we’re at the bar. When we get there I find out he works there part time…so you brought me to your job…to do something I don’t really enjoy? Ah yes I wonder why you’re single. Wait I am too…but hey that’s besides the point. So he spends about an hour drinking and talking to his co workers at the bar. I drink a water and talk to some gay boy that also worked there. Thanks for him though otherwise I would have smashed the water glass into my eyeballs.

Now this date gets even. fucking. better. But how you might be thinking!? It seems like it’s already going perfectly. Ah yes young grasshopper, but we still have the movie right? So, he suggests we just WALK to the movie, again, it’s a million degrees. My pitties are just leakin’ with sweat. Got that visual stuck in your mind? Good. Okay so here we are at the theatre. We see TAG…I wanted to see it so it’s cool we agreed on it. Alright get to the booth, he asks for two tickets and pays.

Card gets DECLINED 

hes all flabbergasted. But how can that be!? I’m a part time bar tender and I do something else that…well I don’t remember because I honestly wasn’t paying attention much to him by mid date. Alright, tried it again. Nah still broke bruh. I pull out my card and he goes ‘no no I got it, idk why it’s being declined’ he pays with a credit card instead. Got the tickets, we go up to the movie. He asks if I want popcorn or anything and I tell him ‘we’ll your card got declined so nah I’m good’ I can’t make this up…he literally pulls out his phone, pulls open his bank and SHOWS me a whopping 1,300$ in his account. Now…I’m not a baller myself and I’m certainly not a gold digger. But what were you expecting me to say to that? So I just shrug and say just call your bank tomorrow. So we get to our seats and HOLY COW he doesn’t stop talking the entire movie. Asking me questions as if I directed the damn thing and so on.

Finally headed back to the cars. Waiting to cross the street somewhere, he asks how I think the date went. Well..I mean he did finally apologize for the tickets. But still my guy come on.  I straight up tell him i didn’t appreciate all the religion talk/that he ignored me and the fact that he constantly just cuts me off when talking and OH NO HE CUTS ME OFF RIGHT THERE…’oh yeah I cut people off a lot because I feel like what I have to say in that moment is more important and so I have to get it out before I forget’ my jaw just dropped…and he says ‘I know I have to work on that I know’ I was dying on the inside…so with that being said…I didn’t say anything  else.

Somehow out of every damn garage in DC he parks like three cars away from mine. Tells me HE had just a great time. I’m not sure how because I wasn’t exactly the best supporting actress along this five hour journey. But yolo I’m just that awesome. Ok bye now. The next day he texts me and asks if I want to go to a GOLF TOURNAMENT!?!?!? LOL I will kick a baby before going to a golf ‘game’ or anything with you again. I told him ‘well I’m not sure, the tickets will probably be counterfeit’ he replied with ‘good burn haha’ and I replied with bye.

#counterfeit #declined